In light of the most recent suicide on Cornell University’s campus, on March 11, 2010, the college has acquired the derogatory moniker as a “Suicide School”. Facing pressure from parents and the media to identify the source of the problem and the university’s responsibility to “fix it”, professionals and college administrators have weighed in on this issue. While most people would agree that the university has taken significant steps to address the problem including suspending privacy of college students in favor of contacting parents about grades and mental health issues, many question whether this is a problem unique to the Cornells, Harvards and MITs of the world or indicative of a growing trend amongst our young adults.
In fact, we have many examples of death by suicide or from accidental drug overdose of young adults reported regularly in the media. While the high profile death of Corey Haim, Michael Jackson or Marie Osmond’s son may make the front page, young people all over the country are dying by their own hand in growing numbers. As a parent, I too worried about the stress that my college bound kids would have to face. Did they have the coping mechanisms to handle it? Did they have a strong support group? Did they have access to trained personnel and if so, would they turn to them when things got tough? It’s our job to worry as parents! We are comfortable in our delusion that we will be able to sense when our children are having problems and will be able to intervene before anything tragic occurs. Of course incidents such as Columbine are dismissed as “Once in a lifetime occurrences that would never happen to our kids.”
Mental Health professionals will tell you that adolescence is a particularly difficult time for many teens and that the withdrawal, moody, depressed airs is fairly common. What happened to the bright cheery posters that framed our preteen’s walls? Now it seems that the décor leans toward blackened or darkened walls and loud, angry music often emanates from their room. While most teens will get through this stage without any major problems, a vulnerable minority will turn to drugs and alcohol as forms of self medication to avoid deeper underlying issues. Social drinking and a certain amount of drug use amongst peers will camouflage the teen who struggles with issues of identity and self worth, feelings of alienation and issues of abuse, neglect and abandonment. Because as parents we often focus on academic performance as a measure of functionality, the high achieving student who is emotionally distressed may fly well below our radar, never gaining our notice. Over achievement and the expected stress that comes with it may mask deeper emotional concerns. The drive to be the best and get into the right school may in fact be a sublimation of unconscious anxiety and depression that is not expressed.
In my many years of college advising, I have worked with young people who eventually crack under the pressure, usually not in response to a heavy academic course load, but some other stressor that occurs in their life - a break up with a boyfriend, illness, a loss of a parent or relative or some other stressor. For the student who has held academic achievement out as a primary goal, what happens after they get into college? What happens if they don’t achieve their goal? In either case, the drive to be number one no longer covers up the feelings underneath. Now how does the student deal with loneliness, anger, depression, anxiety and self worth?
As parents, what can we do? How do we take steps to ensure that our young people are “emotionally fit” to handle stress as it occurs in their lives? I often talk about the role resilience plays in all of our lives. After 911, many parents were asking me for help with how to explain 911. My suggestion was this: While we can never be prepared for disasters of such epic proportions, we can develop coping mechanisms that help us to weather problems as they arise. After all, a child dealing with chronic illness or experiencing the lost of a loved one or facing the divorce of his/her parents will be as devastated as in any crisis.
Studies on children in foster care and survivors of abuse often point to resilience within the individual child which allowed them to weather those experiences. Without the significant impairment that some of their peers experience, these children seem to have developed an inner strength and belief in one self that helps the child to maintain a positive sense of self, competence and confidence in their ability to deal with problems they face. (Almost like an internal compass that enables them to quickly re-stabilize themselves. We can help nurture this in our children by modeling successful coping strategies in the face of crisis and in our ability to maintain a sense of normalcy and stability in our day to day lives. This provides a basis of security for our children and answers the child’s questions: Am I loved? Who will take care of me? When I wake up tomorrow, will my life be different?
If a child sees parents who panic or retreat into alcohol and drugs, withdrawing from the problem, what does the child learn? While a child with a strong sense of their own competency may be able to step forward and take care of themselves, as we see many children of drug addicts do, caring for siblings, feeding themselves, even getting themselves off to school, most children will not be able to do so without the type of resilience we talked about.
When our children go off to college, do they have the emotional stamina to take on the challenges that will occur in their lives? When they were growing up, were they able to soothe or calm themselves or did they look to you to do that? When they were scared, were they able to work themselves through their fears or did they retreat expecting you to make things safe? At age 4, we expect them to come running to us about the boogie man under the bed, but what about when they are 16?
Encouraging your child to seek their own solutions helps them to feel confident that they can meet the challenges of adulthood. How competent does your teen feel to try new things or take on challenges? How open is your teen to talking about their feeling? How does your teen handle disappointment and rejection? Do they talk, argue, scream or retreat? Being able to express and handle negative emotions is very important. How a person handles/expresses these emotions often sets the scene for self destructive behaviors (violent behavior, acting out, defiance and drug and alcohol abuse). How quickly does your child calm down? While most teens talk less with their parents once they reach adolescence, many do talk if they have the kind of relationship that allows for open nonjudgmental dialogue.
Does your child have other friends that they regularly socialize with and confide in? How much time does he/she spend in their bedroom or on-line? How isolated is their lives? While your child may not talk to you, any parent can gain a sense of how isolated your child may be. How frequently do they go out or have friends over? What do they do after school and on the weekend? How much do they interact with their siblings? Do they drink alcohol or use drugs and if so, do they do it with others or by themselves?
Suicide is often the final act of desperation for a depressed person who feels that they have lost control over their lives. The fantasy of killing one self becomes the final act of control. Often these fantasies are played out over months. Every person who considers suicide does not attempt it. But the fact that they are thinking about it says something. We often avoid the conversation, fearful that if we say it aloud or ask the question, that it will happen. Would we ignore any other cry for help? Most teens with good counseling, a strong supportive family and opportunities to pursue positive life affirming activities will get through this stage. Helping a person, young or old to deal with the stress they are experiencing, to validate the pain they may experience and to breach the isolation that depression creates a sense of competency and control that impact on the individual. Overcoming depression or anxiety is a difficult task but a real achievement for any person. Getting through the bad times is life affirming and a true validation of one’s ability to handle the worse and come out a winner.
Rather than worry about a particular school or set of circumstances that may cause emotional overload for any person, focus on resiliency. When your child has a problem, rather than rushing to their defense, encourage them to problem solve. Let them take ownership of the problem so that they can develop some competency in dealing with problems -this leads to the development of confidence and positive self esteem. Try to remain calm and continue normalcy in your home in the face of crisis. Be a positive model for your child. How you react and handle stress and adversity is the template for your child’s coping behaviors. Do you reach for a drink as soon as problems arise, or do you remain calm and logically approach problems? Do you talk about your feelings or do you withdraw from everyone? Build a strong support system for yourself and your family. Don’t hesitate to seek out mental health professionals for help. If your child must take medication as part of their treatment, insist on the smallest dosage necessary and place the emphasis on talking therapy, learning new behaviors for coping with stress and adapting to problems. Promote self soothing such as relaxation exercises, positive, self affirming statements, yoga, self help books, spiritual and religious guidance and group therapy and support groups.
As parents, we will always worry about our children and instinctively want to rescue them. But our job changes as they age. If we can give our kids the tools to deal with stress, a strong sense of identity and self worth, and help them to understand that life is just as much about the bad times, as it is the good times, our kids will thrive and we can feel satisfied that we have done our jobs.
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